What is anxiety for me?

It's an overwhelming feeling of not having control - when I really do.

I think what gives me the most anxiety is time. It's one of the utmost important things to me and I can't control it, or can I? I'm starting to believe that feeling anxiety is a matter of what time you decide to live in.


When I live in the past I get anxiety from regret and specifically the "why" surrounding different situations. Sometimes I find myself thinking about the things I could have done better in order to achieve different outcomes. This can be anything from not making a move on a girl (back in the day) to not going to the gym or even not saying the right thing during a meeting. I think regret hits me so hard because I'm not staying true to my own word. My word is my bond and If I can't follow through with myself, how can other people depend on me? Luckily for me I've been through some life experiences that forced me to make a habit out of forgetting the past. I learned at a relatively young age that nothing good comes out of it so for me the past doesn't even exist. This was probably most evident when I told my ex "It will scare you how quickly I forgot about you." 


Now when I live in the future I get anxiety from worrying and this is probably where the majority of my anxiety comes from. I worry about how things will turn out or how things will get done. The minute an RFP (request for proposal) comes through my inbox I get anxiety. Not because I don't want to do the work but because in that moment I don't know how the hell I'm going to fit into my schedule and deliver something worthy on-time. I believe that this level of uncertainty scares me because I feel like I don't have control. But then there are rare occasions when I don't have any work to do and that gives me anxiety! In those moments I feel like I don't matter because I'm not adding value to anyone. I can't win.


But when I live in the present, regret and worrying can't exist. In the present there is only time for what's in front of you, not what's been done or what needs to happen. You are one with your surroundings and as a result you are more in-tune with your senses, the most important of them being your ability to listen. Nobody listens anymore because nobody is present. Everyone is always plugged-in and neck deep into their phones. When you're truly present nothing can affect you because you feel like you're in control.

Truth is you're always in control. It's just a matter of what time you decide to live in.